I believe it is possible to predict the temperament of people long before they are born. Especially when it comes to the virtue of patience. Those that kick, scratch, cry and generally create a ruckus while inside their mother’s womb are those that lack it. They are the impatient ones. This restlessness is their first act of defiance against the laws of nature. Later, they grow up to treat man-made laws with the same disdain. Hardly ever do they learn to submit to the ways of nature or man. I also believe that their restlessness is the moving force behind most of the great inventions in human history.

I am impatient by nature. Yet I do not want you to assume that I am implying unparalleled greatness here. No. Not everyone who was born restless and impatient went on to change human history. I may or may not. Till I die, the possibility will exist. Just like it exists in your life. When I say I am impatient by nature I only say so to emphasize the greater difficulty waiting has for me. When I have to wait, every bone and sinew in my body struggles against the inertia in the moment. Oh yes, I hate waiting. Of all kind.

Waiting, as I see it, is ‘life on hold.’ It is present, which is the only thing we have, forfeited for a future that is unknown. It is mentally and emotionally vying for what isn’t, making us unavailable to the experience of what is, thereby erasing that moment from our life forever. When we wait, we don’t live, we simply sleepwalk through life.

Waiting is also accepting powerlessness. It is always a situation forced upon us, not a choice. Accepting it is accepting our helplessness. It is a humbling experience.

Therein lies the root of my impatience. I am impatient because I don’t like to feel powerless. My pride rests in the belief that as a human being I am capable of giving shape to my life. That entails control. Without control, my life would be like an animal’s – absolutely at the mercy of the external forces. Everything I learn in this life, everything I feed my mind, is meant to help me gain greater control over my life. But to realize that in spite of everything I do, I can still be powerless over it, is a terrorizing thought. It robs me of my pride. And that is precisely why I hate waiting.

That is one reason why God is such a comforting thought for many. It not only explains the helplessness man feels but also justifies it.

While I always wait because there are no other options, I find that I don’t always wait with the same frame of mind.

Sometimes I wait because the most logical next step would be a response from the world. Like when I say hello to you. Sometimes I wait because there is nothing better to do. For example, when I sitting on a park bench and waiting for friend to turn up. And some other times, I wait simply because I don’t want to feel guilty later on. Like, for example, if I ever buy a lottery or enter a grand raffle which promises a sleek BMW!

In all situations, expectations are involved, in varying degrees. In the first, a response is most expected, its nature, whether positive or negative is something I do not predict. In the second, the very nature of the response is doubtful. In the third, I am just afraid that if a miracle happens, I will feel terribly sorry for not having taken myself or my luck more seriously.

Now, the first situation can easily become the third situation when I am dealing with certain people. That is, when a response is the most logical next step but somehow because of the individuals involved, now suddenly has as much chances of happening as a miracle in my life. That is quite an experience. This is exactly what is happening to me right now.

I would like to totally remove expectation from my mind and go by only what is. And what is this – no call, no mail, no express letter at my doorsteps. Nothing that I would expect to be a next logical step. No response at all from the world that exists outside of my mind.

Parting thought: I better have a better idea than waiting. It doesn’t suit my temperament at all.