Most of my last three days have been a continuous long wait. I see different shades of the feeling rise and retreat in me like waves washing over a beach. Expectant, anxious, impatient, frustrated, bored and then, complete detachment from the feeling of waiting itself, I speculate over the outcome of my effort. I hate speculating.

I realize that the act of waiting in itself is most draining. It saps you off all productive energry. Without any real control over the outcome, I feel threatened and helpless. It has left me doubting my own worth as a human being. It keeps me chained to the world that seems oblivious of my presence. The ego suffers. It finds itself slighted, insignificant.

With a certain level of assurance I can say that the agony of life lies in waiting for it to happen. Most of us don’t live, we just wait our entire lives, till death comes and ends our frustration.

Today, I find myself a little further away from my feelings. The immediacy of the moment has passed. I see that the world is like one of those wooden horse rides that go round and round at a carnival. Except, in real life, I see it never stops for any one. You just take your chances, and jump on to a horse as it passes you by.

I am waiting for the world to offer me a response. While by nature I not interested in horse rides of any kind, right now it is imperative that I rectify that attitude. At least, for a little while.

So I wait for my phone to ring. I check my mail box for a reply that should be there but is not. I listen intently for a knock on my door signifying an express letter. Something. Something like a hand extended towards me from beyond the impregnable thick fog of solitude I exist in. No. I am not lonely. I still enjoy my company. Yet occasionally I find it necessary to allow other people in my life. I have no desire to be hermit. But I have lived with myself for so long and have become so comfortable that I don’t know how to step out of this invisible island I exist on. Trying to initiate contact, I end up fumbling like an idiot and thoroughly embarrassed. So I sit back and wait for a sign. From the world that I don’t exist in.

I am most peaceful living inside these walls of detachment, away from a world that seems to run on rules and regulations which I cannot understand, agree or bring myself to abide. Plus, I don’t like to spend my energy atoning for sins that are not mine. So I glide past the surface of their world, and smile. I don’t stop because conversations are hard to find. There is no common ground beyond the courteous ‘hello.’

The silence from other end has succeeded in making me feel a little depressed. If I look really deep inside my mind, a little useless too. It should not have. My ego must not need external validation. It should be its own judge and justification. I guess, I am not as clear in my head as I think. Or maybe, I am not completely free of my conditioning. I wonder why I should feel the way I feel because of what is happening.

Maybe tomorrow I will know. Maybe.